Today was a good day. A really good day. Brady Charles Norton was born this afternoon to Adam and Christy (Farrell) Norton. So glad baby Brady is here!
I spent the day with me. The real me. I was quiet. I was calm. I got alot done around the house...laundry, cleaned, and got some groceries for the next 2 weeks.
Mom brought me breakfast and we ordered my glasses...Happy Birthday! You know you are getting old when you get glasses for your birthday and they aren't a gag gift!
Then I came home and cleaned and did laundry with ESPN college football blaring. There is something about football that makes me feel at home. Makes me feel like I am with my family. I know that is a weird way to describe football, but it feels like home...my happy place.
I slept on the couch between loads of laundry and first downs.
Took a shower after lunch sometime. Went to the school in the hopes of finding my dream job online, a job that would take me to the next stage of my life, but of course, there was nothing. After filling out zero applications, I drove myself to Lufkin for a Pumpkin Pie yogurt....frozen yogurt can always brighten my day. As I drove back into NAC, I just drove the loop with my foot out the window and music blaring. Cruising!
I didn't want to stop. I wanted to drive off. Drive to I don't know where, don't care where. I still may do that one weekend...only tell my mom where I am going and take off. Drive til I am tired, find a place for the night and stop. Then get up and look around, and drive back. But could I turn my phone off and go? November may be just the month to take off. Sad that I will even have to plan that, because all of my days are filled with everyone else's schedules, with their plans, their events. I need to take time for me.
Today I was able to sit and not talk, not think, not fight with myself, not worry about what someone else thought of me, not think about what someone else needed. I just got to sit. I think when I am alone, I am myself, but at this point in my life, I am not sure who I am or even if I am living my own life. I at times feel like I am living someone else's life, doing what others want me to do, being where others want me to be, being what others want me to be. I am ready for someone to live my life, to share in my life, to want to be where I am. I always seem to try and be where they are. I don't remember the last time someone called said~"Hey, what are you doing today? Can I tag a long with you? Can I come see you? Can I hang out with you?" It always seems that I am asking others.
I want to stop asking, stop calling, stop talking...but when I do that "What's wrong with you?" is what I get from those around me. It is just expected that I am there. What will happen when I am not? Will they miss me? Will they need me? Would they look for me?
For many, I am afraid the answer would be no.
Today was a good day.
A day to myself.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
"I" Person
Our school district had staff development with Rich Allen...I still haven't figured out exactly what he "teaches" because there is something new every time. He has taught us about how our brain works, how to use music in our classrooms, and about personalities. This past Wednesday was about people who were "we" people and those that were "I" people. He described the two types of personalities so that we could recognize these traits in our students.
'We' people--want inclusion---people who want to be around anybody and everybody all of the time.
'I' people--want choice--want to be able to work independently and enjoy times with people, but want the choice of who and what is going to happen.
I am definitely an "I" person, now don't get me wrong, I enjoy spending time with friends and family, but I want to have some control over who is there and I have know what is going on. Control was another trait of an "I" person, they have to be able to have some control of the situation.
At times, I feel very in control of my life and what is happening or at least I am always trying to control what is happening. But I think it is time for a change. It is time that I let it go. Let go and give my life to God. I say I trust him, but I never let go, never give up control of my life. As a Christian we have one way to live and that is for him and in his hands.
But as a control freak or an "I" person, I want the choice- I want to choose what I do with my life, my day, my attitude. I don't like giving that power over to someone else. I don't want someone else dictating my life, my feelings, or my attitude. But at times, I allow some one's actions or feelings dictate my own. And I feel completely out of control.
So how can I ever give everything to Him? Allow him to take control of my life. How do I live free? Because the freedom seems chaotic, out of control. I am a planner, I live by a bell schedule, lesson plans, itineraries, and To-Do Lists. I know that His thoughts are not my thoughts, his ways are not my ways. I know that he has started a plan in me and is going to carry it out, but as an "I" person....I want a say in that plan. As a "planner" I want an itinerary to go with the life he has planned for me.
I feel lost right now. I feel alone right now. I feel confused right now. I feel as though I am chasing my tail.
How does an "I"/"planner" Let go and let God?
'We' people--want inclusion---people who want to be around anybody and everybody all of the time.
'I' people--want choice--want to be able to work independently and enjoy times with people, but want the choice of who and what is going to happen.
I am definitely an "I" person, now don't get me wrong, I enjoy spending time with friends and family, but I want to have some control over who is there and I have know what is going on. Control was another trait of an "I" person, they have to be able to have some control of the situation.
At times, I feel very in control of my life and what is happening or at least I am always trying to control what is happening. But I think it is time for a change. It is time that I let it go. Let go and give my life to God. I say I trust him, but I never let go, never give up control of my life. As a Christian we have one way to live and that is for him and in his hands.
But as a control freak or an "I" person, I want the choice- I want to choose what I do with my life, my day, my attitude. I don't like giving that power over to someone else. I don't want someone else dictating my life, my feelings, or my attitude. But at times, I allow some one's actions or feelings dictate my own. And I feel completely out of control.
So how can I ever give everything to Him? Allow him to take control of my life. How do I live free? Because the freedom seems chaotic, out of control. I am a planner, I live by a bell schedule, lesson plans, itineraries, and To-Do Lists. I know that His thoughts are not my thoughts, his ways are not my ways. I know that he has started a plan in me and is going to carry it out, but as an "I" person....I want a say in that plan. As a "planner" I want an itinerary to go with the life he has planned for me.
I feel lost right now. I feel alone right now. I feel confused right now. I feel as though I am chasing my tail.
How does an "I"/"planner" Let go and let God?
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Venting
Man! There are a lot of emotions running in and around me these days. It is like everyone is frustrated, aggravated, or upset about something. I am just in a weird spot right now emotionally. Like I said yesterday, I should be happy and fine with the world, but for some reason, I am tired, depressed and confused about my life.
But it is nice to know that my friends feel the same way...and we all come from different lives and walks of life. I feel their frustrations and understand them because my own mirror theirs, but I don't tell them that. I just keep it all inside so that I don't seem weak. Hiding is just easier. Easy to slip the mask on and slip into the crowd of happy people.
Another thing. I know who I want to be, but for some reason I can't let go and just be. I want to be happy, fun loving, and sweet (which seems like such an immature description/vocabulary). But for some reason, I have a button or trigger that gets pushed and the sweet, quiet me disappears and I am back to being hurt and defensive. I don't know where I am right now or where I am going.
Yesterday, I said that I felt like I was in a maze. It really feels that way. A maze with no prize in the end. How this maze of life makes me feel: lost, tired, sad, alone, but the best word would have to be confused. I want so many things, but there seems to be no way for me to reach them. Not because they aren't plausible, but because my heart/hurt/past won't let me. I don't like the person I have become, I miss the person I was, but I know she is only a memory.
But how do I become the person I want to be? How do I get there? I know no one is happy all of the time, but I would just like to be happy some of the time. I want to know when it will be my turn. I have been richly blessed, I know that for certain...so why do I feel like this? Why does this dark cloud follow me?
I may go home and hide today. Hide under a blanket. Hide from everything around me.
I need a weekend away from everything....maybe to the lake again. I will have to ask!
But it is nice to know that my friends feel the same way...and we all come from different lives and walks of life. I feel their frustrations and understand them because my own mirror theirs, but I don't tell them that. I just keep it all inside so that I don't seem weak. Hiding is just easier. Easy to slip the mask on and slip into the crowd of happy people.
Another thing. I know who I want to be, but for some reason I can't let go and just be. I want to be happy, fun loving, and sweet (which seems like such an immature description/vocabulary). But for some reason, I have a button or trigger that gets pushed and the sweet, quiet me disappears and I am back to being hurt and defensive. I don't know where I am right now or where I am going.
Yesterday, I said that I felt like I was in a maze. It really feels that way. A maze with no prize in the end. How this maze of life makes me feel: lost, tired, sad, alone, but the best word would have to be confused. I want so many things, but there seems to be no way for me to reach them. Not because they aren't plausible, but because my heart/hurt/past won't let me. I don't like the person I have become, I miss the person I was, but I know she is only a memory.
But how do I become the person I want to be? How do I get there? I know no one is happy all of the time, but I would just like to be happy some of the time. I want to know when it will be my turn. I have been richly blessed, I know that for certain...so why do I feel like this? Why does this dark cloud follow me?
I may go home and hide today. Hide under a blanket. Hide from everything around me.
I need a weekend away from everything....maybe to the lake again. I will have to ask!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Strange
It is crazy that 6 weeks has already flown by, but believe me...I am not complaining. It is just that I am already soooo tired and it is just now October. What will April or May feel like? Hew!
I am pretty excited though. Michelle and I have decided to take a trip to CA for Spring Break. We have been saying for 3 years, that we were going to go, but we have never followed through. We are this year...I swear it! And if Chelle doesn't go, I am still going. Kendra...hope you are ready for country coming to town. It gives me something to look forward to. I need that....good things to look forward to, to help get through the everyday BLAH!
This year has been pretty weird for me. I feel as though I have been in an emotional/mental maze. Thinking that I am actually making progress only to run into another wall. I feel very lost right now and it is hard to explain that to those around me. I have friends and people that I can talk to, but I don't think that they would understand. Actually, I know they wouldn't. I guess it is the same thing for me over and over again. I think I have a place or purpose in life, then I get lost, overwhelmed almost.
There are days that I want to run away, to be alone, by myself and just hide from the world and my responsibilities. Not that I really have that many responsibilities...take care of me and my dog & look out for Mom & Susy, and my job. But for some reason I feel very sad at times. It is so strange because I don't really have any reason to feel that way... but I do. It is hard to tell friends that you are having a bad day...just because. I want to be by myself, but when I am alone, it isn't good for me either.
I hate feeling this way. Lost in a sea of unwanted emotions and confusing thoughts. Being tossed and twisted by my own anxieties.
Strange that I can't tell anybody how I am feeling, but I can write it so easily in this blog.
I want to turn my phone off, run away and hide. Maybe I can soon.
I am pretty excited though. Michelle and I have decided to take a trip to CA for Spring Break. We have been saying for 3 years, that we were going to go, but we have never followed through. We are this year...I swear it! And if Chelle doesn't go, I am still going. Kendra...hope you are ready for country coming to town. It gives me something to look forward to. I need that....good things to look forward to, to help get through the everyday BLAH!
This year has been pretty weird for me. I feel as though I have been in an emotional/mental maze. Thinking that I am actually making progress only to run into another wall. I feel very lost right now and it is hard to explain that to those around me. I have friends and people that I can talk to, but I don't think that they would understand. Actually, I know they wouldn't. I guess it is the same thing for me over and over again. I think I have a place or purpose in life, then I get lost, overwhelmed almost.
There are days that I want to run away, to be alone, by myself and just hide from the world and my responsibilities. Not that I really have that many responsibilities...take care of me and my dog & look out for Mom & Susy, and my job. But for some reason I feel very sad at times. It is so strange because I don't really have any reason to feel that way... but I do. It is hard to tell friends that you are having a bad day...just because. I want to be by myself, but when I am alone, it isn't good for me either.
I hate feeling this way. Lost in a sea of unwanted emotions and confusing thoughts. Being tossed and twisted by my own anxieties.
Strange that I can't tell anybody how I am feeling, but I can write it so easily in this blog.
I want to turn my phone off, run away and hide. Maybe I can soon.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
My Mind Today
Not sure what I can really title this blog. This is more of a rambling of thoughts. I was asleep last night around 10:30...slept hard....didn't want to get up this morning at 7:45. But I did... hands hurting and all. We got to the church a little after nine. Worship this morning was awesome! Singing is some of the best I have heard in a long time. Songs just help me to pray...they always seem to say exactly what I can't.
Terry Rush this morning made a few more great points. He said that Christians go through trials, just like anyone else, but people of the world watch us to see how we handle the trials. When it says we are to take u our cross and follow Jesus, it means that we are to act as Christ acted, not just his whole life, but especially in those last few hours of his life. He forgave those around him, called out to God the whole time, and still reached out to those around him. We too should forgive those that hurt us, who talk about us, who tell us we are weak because of your beliefs. We too should call on our Heavenly Father not just when times are good, but especially when times are bad, times are lonely, times are dark . We should reach out to those when I suffer, I should be even more of an example during the hard times.
He played a video of two people riding an escalator. The escalator broke down and was no longer carrying the up to the 2nd floor. But the 2 people didn't just climb the stairs, they just stood there and called for help, for someone to come and fix the escalator. We too do that in our lives, we stay bolted down to the struggles, but we are free! We are free to carry on. We are free because of the cross, we are not tied to sin, we have no debts, we are forgiven, loved, and richly blessed.
Best points from this weekend:
*Do not worry...Wonder is here
*There are possibilities because of the cross.
*God is working even when I can't see it.
*He uses us everyday
*There is hope in the cross
*DO NOT WORRY--This is my major struggle. I am a worrier. I worry about: house work, work, health, what people think of me, where I will be in 10 years, how my past is hurting my future, what I say, what I do, how I cat, my attitude, my appearance, my family, my friends....the list goes on. I have struggled with worrying ever since my parents broke up when I was in 2nd grade. I remember my mom reading the Do Not Worry scriptures from Matthew. And when I worry about something it makes me physically ill. I believe that God loves me, that he has a plan for me, and I believe that I am more important that a flower and a bird. But I still make myself sick. How can I get passed this? I have been this way for 18 years. I tell God every morning, to day is your day. Do with me and it what you will. And by the end of the day, I have made myself sick about something.
I need a mantra...He is using me and He loves me and He has a plan for me!
Terry Rush this morning made a few more great points. He said that Christians go through trials, just like anyone else, but people of the world watch us to see how we handle the trials. When it says we are to take u our cross and follow Jesus, it means that we are to act as Christ acted, not just his whole life, but especially in those last few hours of his life. He forgave those around him, called out to God the whole time, and still reached out to those around him. We too should forgive those that hurt us, who talk about us, who tell us we are weak because of your beliefs. We too should call on our Heavenly Father not just when times are good, but especially when times are bad, times are lonely, times are dark . We should reach out to those when I suffer, I should be even more of an example during the hard times.
He played a video of two people riding an escalator. The escalator broke down and was no longer carrying the up to the 2nd floor. But the 2 people didn't just climb the stairs, they just stood there and called for help, for someone to come and fix the escalator. We too do that in our lives, we stay bolted down to the struggles, but we are free! We are free to carry on. We are free because of the cross, we are not tied to sin, we have no debts, we are forgiven, loved, and richly blessed.
Best points from this weekend:
*Do not worry...Wonder is here
*There are possibilities because of the cross.
*God is working even when I can't see it.
*He uses us everyday
*There is hope in the cross
*DO NOT WORRY--This is my major struggle. I am a worrier. I worry about: house work, work, health, what people think of me, where I will be in 10 years, how my past is hurting my future, what I say, what I do, how I cat, my attitude, my appearance, my family, my friends....the list goes on. I have struggled with worrying ever since my parents broke up when I was in 2nd grade. I remember my mom reading the Do Not Worry scriptures from Matthew. And when I worry about something it makes me physically ill. I believe that God loves me, that he has a plan for me, and I believe that I am more important that a flower and a bird. But I still make myself sick. How can I get passed this? I have been this way for 18 years. I tell God every morning, to day is your day. Do with me and it what you will. And by the end of the day, I have made myself sick about something.
I need a mantra...He is using me and He loves me and He has a plan for me!
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Stream
This weekend I have traveled to Irving, TX with my Go Gos and the Katies to be apart of STREAM. We left NAC yesterday afternoon at around 5. The day was hectic for all, but the drive went smoothly. We stopped in Athens to eat dinner....but really to get a shake! So good! Ice cream has to be one one of my favorite things on earth!
We got to MacArthur CofC at 8:30...just in time for one video and a couple of songs. And I will be honest! That is the main reason I came this weekend....the singing. I LOVE singing and praising God through songs truly touch my heart. Hallal and Ken Young led the worship service today. Wow! I know that worship is worship...but I am sorry...there is just something so special and amazing about acappella singing. Something so real and raw about only using your voice to praise God!
Last night we got to the hotel around 10:30. Showered and I went to bed!
This morning we got up, ate in the lobby, and headed to the church. Worship started at 9. Terry Rush is our speaker this weekend...he is really good. Down to earth, honest, and real. He said some things that I know were from God straight to me. . . Do not worry because there are so many possibilities through the cross. God is working even when I can't see it. I needed to hear that. I just pray that I can believe it.
One of my "other" mom's pulled me aside today, grabbed my face with both hands and told me: I love you. I love your heart. You are so beautiful and have such a beautiful heart. You are touching lives everyday. I know you are changing hearts, but I don't think you know that. I know you have missed out on a father's love growing up. I know that you are searching for love. Just know that a man will be so blessed to have such a beautiful woman as his wife, and he is coming."
It blew me away to hear it. All I could do is cry.
The questions that I have been asking myself and God for the past couple of years has been, "Where am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to be doing?" What I learned this weekend is that God is using me, right where I am.
We got to MacArthur CofC at 8:30...just in time for one video and a couple of songs. And I will be honest! That is the main reason I came this weekend....the singing. I LOVE singing and praising God through songs truly touch my heart. Hallal and Ken Young led the worship service today. Wow! I know that worship is worship...but I am sorry...there is just something so special and amazing about acappella singing. Something so real and raw about only using your voice to praise God!
Last night we got to the hotel around 10:30. Showered and I went to bed!
This morning we got up, ate in the lobby, and headed to the church. Worship started at 9. Terry Rush is our speaker this weekend...he is really good. Down to earth, honest, and real. He said some things that I know were from God straight to me. . . Do not worry because there are so many possibilities through the cross. God is working even when I can't see it. I needed to hear that. I just pray that I can believe it.
One of my "other" mom's pulled me aside today, grabbed my face with both hands and told me: I love you. I love your heart. You are so beautiful and have such a beautiful heart. You are touching lives everyday. I know you are changing hearts, but I don't think you know that. I know you have missed out on a father's love growing up. I know that you are searching for love. Just know that a man will be so blessed to have such a beautiful woman as his wife, and he is coming."
It blew me away to hear it. All I could do is cry.
The questions that I have been asking myself and God for the past couple of years has been, "Where am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to be doing?" What I learned this weekend is that God is using me, right where I am.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Football & Family
I LOVE THIS TIME OF YEAR!
I put a new air freshener in my car...Pumpkin and Cinnamon! Smells like Autumn. This morning I knew it was going to be a good day when I got in my car! Smelled so good.
I also love this time of year because of course it is football season all over the US, but especially in the Farrell family. I have 3 guy cousins and they are all football coaches. I love that we plan family gatherings around football games. We take rode trips for football and family.
I was talking to some coach friends of mine tonight about Cody, Clayton, and Clinton. Talked about us at games and practices together. SO much fun and such great memories.
I was blessed in the fact that I was able to travel with the team and was able to see them play/coach in college.
I remember:
~giving the twins a gallon of water for 2-a-days and the guys picked on Clinton because they thought it was from Jenna...cause I put hearts and notes on it.
~Clayton practicing his run out 'routine'.
~dancing with Cody in the equipment room.
~washing TONS of football clothes and uniforms
~watching game film with Gary Gaines
~tutoring the guys in English and History
~Clinton & Clayton going up against each other in OL/DL one on ones
~pitching to the punters
~sleeping on the equipment boxes to make sure the stains got of the white jerseys
~turning 8 of the starters white jerseys lavender
~sitting in the hall with Omar on away games
~giving my 4 boyz Gatorade every Friday
~times on the side line:wiping faces, fixing helmets, and shoulder pads
~running to Wal-Mart during the game for more batteries for the headsets
~becoming friends with Danieal Manning
~shaking carpet freshener in the locker room
~bleaching out the showers
~spraying shoulder pads with frebreeze
~preparing for recruiting weekends
~driving the Bronco so the coaches could use my car to go on recruiting trips
~making my class schedule around football practice
~learning how to deep snap with Clinton
~trying to tackle Clayton
~drinking chocolate milk and watching the Friday night highlights with the family
~watching Amanda play volleyball!
~drying footballs under the clothes dryer
~giving embarrassed guys their socks and jocks
The list of memories could go on and on!
Let the road trips begin! I love being able to watch Danieal, Johnny, and Scott on TV...represent Wildcats! I have my ESPN app on my iPhone...keeps me updated and on track!
I love this time of year. It is truly my happy place!!! I love yelling at the TV. I love talking football. I love the game. Now I don't know everything there is to know. But there is just something about this time of year! The crisp air, the changing of the leaves, friends/family, food, and football.
What could be better in life than Football and Family!
To my 3 Coach Farrell's---Good Luck!
Go Wildcats! ! !
Go Jaguars! ! !
Go Bobcats! ! !
and
Go Bears! ! !
I put a new air freshener in my car...Pumpkin and Cinnamon! Smells like Autumn. This morning I knew it was going to be a good day when I got in my car! Smelled so good.
I also love this time of year because of course it is football season all over the US, but especially in the Farrell family. I have 3 guy cousins and they are all football coaches. I love that we plan family gatherings around football games. We take rode trips for football and family.
I was talking to some coach friends of mine tonight about Cody, Clayton, and Clinton. Talked about us at games and practices together. SO much fun and such great memories.
I was blessed in the fact that I was able to travel with the team and was able to see them play/coach in college.
I remember:
~giving the twins a gallon of water for 2-a-days and the guys picked on Clinton because they thought it was from Jenna...cause I put hearts and notes on it.
~Clayton practicing his run out 'routine'.
~dancing with Cody in the equipment room.
~washing TONS of football clothes and uniforms
~watching game film with Gary Gaines
~tutoring the guys in English and History
~Clinton & Clayton going up against each other in OL/DL one on ones
~pitching to the punters
~sleeping on the equipment boxes to make sure the stains got of the white jerseys
~turning 8 of the starters white jerseys lavender
~sitting in the hall with Omar on away games
~giving my 4 boyz Gatorade every Friday
~times on the side line:wiping faces, fixing helmets, and shoulder pads
~running to Wal-Mart during the game for more batteries for the headsets
~becoming friends with Danieal Manning
~shaking carpet freshener in the locker room
~bleaching out the showers
~spraying shoulder pads with frebreeze
~preparing for recruiting weekends
~driving the Bronco so the coaches could use my car to go on recruiting trips
~making my class schedule around football practice
~learning how to deep snap with Clinton
~trying to tackle Clayton
~drinking chocolate milk and watching the Friday night highlights with the family
~watching Amanda play volleyball!
~drying footballs under the clothes dryer
~giving embarrassed guys their socks and jocks
The list of memories could go on and on!
Let the road trips begin! I love being able to watch Danieal, Johnny, and Scott on TV...represent Wildcats! I have my ESPN app on my iPhone...keeps me updated and on track!
I love this time of year. It is truly my happy place!!! I love yelling at the TV. I love talking football. I love the game. Now I don't know everything there is to know. But there is just something about this time of year! The crisp air, the changing of the leaves, friends/family, food, and football.
What could be better in life than Football and Family!
To my 3 Coach Farrell's---Good Luck!
Go Wildcats! ! !
Go Jaguars! ! !
Go Bobcats! ! !
and
Go Bears! ! !
Monday, September 6, 2010
Fuzzy
I have some how lost my glasses. Now...they are the lowest prescription and most wouldn't even be able to tell that they do anything for my vision. But trust me...they make a huge difference. I am now wearing my old glasses that were scratched up because I left them in the gym.
But I am telling you, I can tell when I am driving at night that I don't have my glasses because everything is fuzzy, a little blurry, out of focus.And I started to think. That is a little how my life is right now. My spiritual life. My emotions. My relationships. Everything is just a little blurry these days. Negative thoughts seem to consume me, daily, hourly, every thought! It is torture.
Some how every little thing bothers me; insignificant details, small happenings, passing comments, everything has just been eating at me. Things that don't deserve a second passing thought are eating away at me. Physically hurting me. My thoughts are taken over by negativity. I do not want to live like this! ! !
I don't know how to make them stop. Who would really understand the things that are hurting me...scaring me...tormenting me? Who? Tell me how to make the thoughts stop. I am tired of them hurting me, I am tired of them making me so negative, so full of anger and hate!
This is not who I am.
I can't push the thoughts aside to focus on the many blessings that I have.
I want to find myself again. I want to be happy. But I am so afraid of the pain.
If you see her, tell her I am looking for her!
These Thoughts
THESE THOUGHTS
All of these crazy things
denying people access
casting them out
The hateful thoughts,
The negative,
Untrusting thoughts
Are eating at me
Pushing those I love
hiding me
away
away
away
Wish they would stop
tormenting
haunting
molesting
my heart
through my memories
my new emotions
Leave me be
Be still
I just want real
peace
love
friendship
But these thoughts
contaminate
pollute
distort
everything
passing through my mind
happiness rots
love dies
trust is nonexistent
Make them stop
Please!?
I beg you
Anyone?
make them stop
stop
these thoughts
All of these crazy things
denying people access
casting them out
The hateful thoughts,
The negative,
Untrusting thoughts
Are eating at me
Pushing those I love
hiding me
away
away
away
Wish they would stop
tormenting
haunting
molesting
my heart
through my memories
my new emotions
Leave me be
Be still
I just want real
peace
love
friendship
But these thoughts
contaminate
pollute
distort
everything
passing through my mind
happiness rots
love dies
trust is nonexistent
Make them stop
Please!?
I beg you
Anyone?
make them stop
stop
these thoughts
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Start of the School Year
We have started our 2010-2011 school year. My 6th year to teach....here I come. First six weeks has flown by. It is crazy to me to think that I am actually a real adult...ok, not a real adult, but close enough. But this year has started off pretty well so far. The kids have been pretty good, but it has only been 7 days of school. Don't want to jinx anything just yet. This school year has started out smoother for me than last year. I felt like a chicken with my head cut off last year at this time. I guess having my lesson plans has helped.
I love the team that I am on...I don't know if I could survive without my teaching and coaching team. I am a lucky one...I have 2 support groups!
But I am starting to see the kids that I will have to keep my eyes on, they are a little sneakier than the group from last year. But I seem to have a reputation on campus. "Don't mess with her"...I can only hope that it is true. I actual heard a kid say the other day, "Coach Farrell scares me!" I was doing the happy dance in my head. You will be glad that it was in my head....trust me, you don't want to see the happy dance.
I will be helping with the Japan students again this year. I will be traveling to the State Fair on October 15th, I have never been...kind of excited, plus I get to miss out on a day of school!
I hope the next 5 6 weeks flies by as fast as this one!
I love the team that I am on...I don't know if I could survive without my teaching and coaching team. I am a lucky one...I have 2 support groups!
But I am starting to see the kids that I will have to keep my eyes on, they are a little sneakier than the group from last year. But I seem to have a reputation on campus. "Don't mess with her"...I can only hope that it is true. I actual heard a kid say the other day, "Coach Farrell scares me!" I was doing the happy dance in my head. You will be glad that it was in my head....trust me, you don't want to see the happy dance.
I will be helping with the Japan students again this year. I will be traveling to the State Fair on October 15th, I have never been...kind of excited, plus I get to miss out on a day of school!
I hope the next 5 6 weeks flies by as fast as this one!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Attitude is Everything
I have decided that I am going to have a positive outlook on this new school year. I tell my athletes to work hard, push through, even when it hurts, it will get easier later. It is about time I listen to my own advice. My job won't get done by being stressed and worried.
I am tired now...little drained...but tomorrow is going to be a new day! I am going to keep my head down and get my work done. I have got to change some of my assessments and I am good to go! I can do this. God wouldn't bring me to it if he wasn't planning on getting me through it. I am smart, efficient, and a hard worker. I can do more than just make it through this year...I am going to make it through and be successful at the end of the day. I am going to do my best for my students, team, and God.
Do everything for the glory of God! ! !
I need a mantra....I may steal it from the Little Engine that Could..."I think I can!"
Or Dori, "Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming."
I need to learn to smile more. I guess is this where the wall starts to come down. I need to trust the person that I know I can be, the one hiding.
I know that I can get all of this done...I was just a little overwhelmed hearing it all at once. But I am organized and disciplined enough to get the job done and get it done right.
POSITIVE ATTITUDE! ! ! !
I THINK I CAN!
JUST KEEP SWIMMING!
SMILE!
I am tired now...little drained...but tomorrow is going to be a new day! I am going to keep my head down and get my work done. I have got to change some of my assessments and I am good to go! I can do this. God wouldn't bring me to it if he wasn't planning on getting me through it. I am smart, efficient, and a hard worker. I can do more than just make it through this year...I am going to make it through and be successful at the end of the day. I am going to do my best for my students, team, and God.
Do everything for the glory of God! ! !
I need a mantra....I may steal it from the Little Engine that Could..."I think I can!"
Or Dori, "Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming."
I need to learn to smile more. I guess is this where the wall starts to come down. I need to trust the person that I know I can be, the one hiding.
I know that I can get all of this done...I was just a little overwhelmed hearing it all at once. But I am organized and disciplined enough to get the job done and get it done right.
POSITIVE ATTITUDE! ! ! !
I THINK I CAN!
JUST KEEP SWIMMING!
SMILE!
Monday, August 16, 2010
When Storms Come
clouds rolling
wind dancing
silently
darkening
rain drops kissing
bringing relief
lightening flashes
beautifully
powerfully
thunder calls back
earth rejoices
thirst quenched
peacefully
calmly
when storms come
wind dancing
silently
darkening
rain drops kissing
bringing relief
lightening flashes
beautifully
powerfully
thunder calls back
earth rejoices
thirst quenched
peacefully
calmly
when storms come
Sunday, August 15, 2010
2010-2011 School Year
The school year officially begins for me in less than 12 hours. I was really excited...kinda..but I have some concerns for the new year. Change is hard for me. We have new administration, new teachers, new colors, and even a new mascot! Lots of change. But I pray that it is a change for the better. New things freak me out! But I will take it step by step day by day. I will do my job to the best of my ability and to the glory of God.
What ever God brings you to, he will bring you through!
But I am very thankful for the co-workers that He has brought into my life this past year. They are amazing people with a heart for God and joy for their job. They are fun to be with and a true encouragement. They care for me even when I know I don't deserve it. Thank goodness! I just hope that I can be that same encouragement to them!
Tonight was "Singing Sunday" with the Church of Christs' congregations. It is my favorite Sunday night of the month. I get more out of singing worship than any bible study or sermon. The songs say things that I don't always know how to put into words. Songs can stir my heart and spirit. The words can put my life in perspective when I at times refuse to do so! LOVE SINGING! ! !
Right now the Katie's are cooking Monterey chicken and green beans...I am pumped. We are rockin' the iPod on shuffle...they are making fun of all the randomness on my play lists. Then there is chocolate chip cookies and the movie Bounty Hunter for dessert! What a way to end the week; good friends, good food, and good entertainment. I love cooking nights with the Katie's...we have good conversations and always laugh till our stomachs hurt. You should all find your Katie's to hang with!
Tonight is a great end to my summer! ! !
BRING IT ON!
What ever God brings you to, he will bring you through!
But I am very thankful for the co-workers that He has brought into my life this past year. They are amazing people with a heart for God and joy for their job. They are fun to be with and a true encouragement. They care for me even when I know I don't deserve it. Thank goodness! I just hope that I can be that same encouragement to them!
Tonight was "Singing Sunday" with the Church of Christs' congregations. It is my favorite Sunday night of the month. I get more out of singing worship than any bible study or sermon. The songs say things that I don't always know how to put into words. Songs can stir my heart and spirit. The words can put my life in perspective when I at times refuse to do so! LOVE SINGING! ! !
Right now the Katie's are cooking Monterey chicken and green beans...I am pumped. We are rockin' the iPod on shuffle...they are making fun of all the randomness on my play lists. Then there is chocolate chip cookies and the movie Bounty Hunter for dessert! What a way to end the week; good friends, good food, and good entertainment. I love cooking nights with the Katie's...we have good conversations and always laugh till our stomachs hurt. You should all find your Katie's to hang with!
Tonight is a great end to my summer! ! !
BRING IT ON!
Friday, August 13, 2010
Almost But Not Quite
Holy Moly....I don't think that I am ready for this next week. My free adult life is over once again for the next 9 months. I didn't do everything I wanted to do this summer. I didn't work on my story/book, I didn't write new poetry, and I didn't go to Abilene. But I did get a great tan and worked on some water color paintings.
I hope this year is better than last year, but I don't think that would be too hard. Last year I felt 2 steps behind everyday: paper work, discipline issues, and collecting class materials. Always stressed. I hope that all the work I did last year will help my year go smoother this school year. I know my subject and what I am teaching, so lectures and helping will be easier. I have high expectations for my classroom.
What is crazy, is sometimes I would rather be around the kids instead of the adults. Which many times are one in the same. Working in a middle school is very similar to actually being in a middle school. I am not saying that I am perfect...I have done my trash talking, but I am going to do my best to keep my head down and do my job.
If I am this tired right now, Monday evening is going to be ridiculous.
______________________________________________________________________
One of my favorite shows has become BONES. I love the fact that the main character, Tempest Brennen is a beautiful, smart forensic anthropologists and her co-star, Seally Booth, is a handsome FBI agent who is the typical man's man. I love their interactions, she is scientific and factual and he is emotional and goes with his gut. But what I love is how they are so different yet they fit together and learn from one an other's differences. The two are made better for knowing the other. What is crazy to me is, how much they care for each other, their obvious attraction for one another, BUT they never seem to work out. They get so close, but never end up being in a relationship. It is torture to watch! ! ! I find myself watching the show, remembering one such relationship. Almost, but not quite...the story of my life.
I was listening to a song on my iPod the other day, the name slips my mind, but gist of the lyrics are, 'If you are not the one for me, then why does everything about us fit, why does it feel so right?' I gave that song to someone in 2004 because I felt that very same way. I didn't understand why we weren't "together" if everything was so right. The fun, conversations, fighting, shopping, rode trips, dinners...the list could go on. How can two people seem so right for one another and yet, it just doesn't work out.
I felt that way 7 years ago, and I found myself asking the same question last week. Maybe it would be right this time around, maybe he was finally ready for me. I just knew it was going to be different, he had changed, matured. I know I am stronger. I let him charm his way back into my heart and the forefront of my thoughts. It was the same lie he gave then, but now he is more eloquent. He now obviously means what he says. But I found out, once again, that I would always be #2, I would say in his heart, but I am probably not even there. I am no more than a fleeting thought in his selfish mind.
I am just an idiot to believe it all. And I feel like an idiot to admit that any of it ever happened, that I allowed someone to treat me so poorly. Makes me feel weak and very stupid. But I guess it is a part of who I am...unfortunately.
BUT now there can be a change. I can start over anew in my life, without him in it. I will be careful from now on and choose those that I allow in my heart. I will not deny my heart of love and kindness, but I will just guard it a little closer. I can already tell it is going to be difficult to open up to those around me, but I just have to learn to trust again. I believe the man God has for me will be beyond my hopes and dreams.
I will start over and I will have to learn to choose my shows and music more wisely, so not to be reminded of the what could have been.
I hope this year is better than last year, but I don't think that would be too hard. Last year I felt 2 steps behind everyday: paper work, discipline issues, and collecting class materials. Always stressed. I hope that all the work I did last year will help my year go smoother this school year. I know my subject and what I am teaching, so lectures and helping will be easier. I have high expectations for my classroom.
What is crazy, is sometimes I would rather be around the kids instead of the adults. Which many times are one in the same. Working in a middle school is very similar to actually being in a middle school. I am not saying that I am perfect...I have done my trash talking, but I am going to do my best to keep my head down and do my job.
If I am this tired right now, Monday evening is going to be ridiculous.
______________________________________________________________________
One of my favorite shows has become BONES. I love the fact that the main character, Tempest Brennen is a beautiful, smart forensic anthropologists and her co-star, Seally Booth, is a handsome FBI agent who is the typical man's man. I love their interactions, she is scientific and factual and he is emotional and goes with his gut. But what I love is how they are so different yet they fit together and learn from one an other's differences. The two are made better for knowing the other. What is crazy to me is, how much they care for each other, their obvious attraction for one another, BUT they never seem to work out. They get so close, but never end up being in a relationship. It is torture to watch! ! ! I find myself watching the show, remembering one such relationship. Almost, but not quite...the story of my life.
I was listening to a song on my iPod the other day, the name slips my mind, but gist of the lyrics are, 'If you are not the one for me, then why does everything about us fit, why does it feel so right?' I gave that song to someone in 2004 because I felt that very same way. I didn't understand why we weren't "together" if everything was so right. The fun, conversations, fighting, shopping, rode trips, dinners...the list could go on. How can two people seem so right for one another and yet, it just doesn't work out.
I felt that way 7 years ago, and I found myself asking the same question last week. Maybe it would be right this time around, maybe he was finally ready for me. I just knew it was going to be different, he had changed, matured. I know I am stronger. I let him charm his way back into my heart and the forefront of my thoughts. It was the same lie he gave then, but now he is more eloquent. He now obviously means what he says. But I found out, once again, that I would always be #2, I would say in his heart, but I am probably not even there. I am no more than a fleeting thought in his selfish mind.
I am just an idiot to believe it all. And I feel like an idiot to admit that any of it ever happened, that I allowed someone to treat me so poorly. Makes me feel weak and very stupid. But I guess it is a part of who I am...unfortunately.
BUT now there can be a change. I can start over anew in my life, without him in it. I will be careful from now on and choose those that I allow in my heart. I will not deny my heart of love and kindness, but I will just guard it a little closer. I can already tell it is going to be difficult to open up to those around me, but I just have to learn to trust again. I believe the man God has for me will be beyond my hopes and dreams.
I will start over and I will have to learn to choose my shows and music more wisely, so not to be reminded of the what could have been.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Time Flies
Man! Where has the time gone? The last few drops of sand are slipping through the hour glass of our summer. They say time flies when you are having fun. So I guess I have had a blast!
But after a few weeks...I began to feel a little useless. I am used to serving in Africa and this summer was actual me time. That doesn't happen very often ...so it was a good thing. I spent my summer working out, laying out, and cooking. I even had my first vacation to FL!
But for the past few weeks I have begun to work up at the school. I painted the girls locker room with the help of the boys coaches ...THANK YOU! It took 3 days about 3-5 hours a day to get it all done, or at least my part done. The guys cut in my work around the ceiling and doors. They also painted the floor while I so graciously put the name plates on the boys lockers...NOT A FUN JOB! ! ! Then Hilary and I cleaned out the P.E. equipment room...WOW! There was dirt dating back to the pre-historic times, not really, but it was dirty, crammed packed full of "equipment". We threw out, cleaned out, and straightened up the first day. Then the next day we unpacked the new equipment and got it all in the room. But it all looks so amazing! ! ! I hope the kids appreciate the hard work and heart that was put in to it all. So many times people don't know all the work coaches put into their programs, but I hope that the students, faculty/staff, and parents see what all has been done on our parts. The coaches have ordered new equipment, new work out gear, new uniforms, painted, cleaned, organized, and gave up many hours of our time to do all of this. And none of the things we do is for ourselves, it is always about the kids!
I have my first week planned out for my class, my classroom set up, and my Texas flower pens made. Flower pens you ask? Last year, I supplied pens for my students to use if they did not have a pen of their own, believing they would return the pen. But...that is not how it happened. 80 pens grew legs and walked out of my class room. So this year, I have hot glued and taped Texas wild flowers to pens. In hopes that my pens will be rooted to my room!
Part of me is ready to get the ball rolling, but the other part of me still wants to sit next to the pool. But it is time for me to once again be an adult. Hmmm...not really ready.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now...onto my other problems. Some people will say that I have a wall, and I guess I do now. But just a few years ago, I was a sucker. I believed any line that I was given. I thought that I had found real love, real friends, a real life. And none of those things stuck. It was all fake, lies, and temporary pursuits. It all changed me, and not for the better. I have grown bitter and cynical. I am now hurting those who care about me, because of those that hurt me in the past. But it just wasn't a one time incident, it was repeated in several different relationships. Promises broken. Lies told. Hurtful things said over and over again. It wore me down. I believed that was what I deserved. I thought that was how I was supposed to be treated. I didn't see anything better in my future, so I stayed and took it all. I allowed myself to be treated in such away. I did not expect more for myself. And now so many years later, when I thought I was past it all, I have fallen for the lies all over again. I feel so stupid. Did I really waste almost a decade of my life on a lie? Looks like it.
Even now, people around me are baffled when I tell them what a small person I became; timid, submissive, and insignificant. Friends from my childhood couldn't believe I lost my audaciousness, my spirit. And now my friends see me as strong, hard headed, and guarded person. So they too don't believe when I tell them how those few years changed me. I know that I will never go back to that amazing 18 year old that I once was, but I hope that I can find just a piece of her left.
But I have found new friends that see something more in me than this calloused shell that I f eel I have become. I pray that there really is a crack in this exterior. I want them to know that I can love and care for those around me. But I hope they can understand that it is fear that is holding me back. I am so afraid to be hurt again. I thank God for those he has brought in to my path. I could list them all, but I don't want to leave anyone out, but I hope you know who you are because I sure do!
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