My Mind Today

Not sure what I can really title this blog. This is more of a rambling of thoughts. I was asleep last night around 10:30...slept hard....didn't want to get up this morning at 7:45. But I did... hands hurting and all. We got to the church a little after nine. Worship this morning was awesome! Singing is some of the best I have heard in a long time. Songs just help me to pray...they always seem to say exactly what I can't.
Terry Rush this morning made a few more great points. He said that Christians go through trials, just like anyone else, but people of the world watch us to see how we handle the trials. When it says we are to take u our cross and follow Jesus, it means that we are to act as Christ acted, not just his whole life, but especially in those last few hours of his life. He forgave those around him, called out to God the whole time, and still reached out to those around him. We too should forgive those that hurt us, who talk about us, who tell us we are weak because of your beliefs. We too should call on our Heavenly Father not just when times are good, but especially when times are bad, times are lonely, times are dark . We should reach out to those when I suffer, I should be even more of an example during the hard times.
He played a video of two people riding an escalator. The escalator broke down and was no longer carrying the up to the 2nd floor. But the 2 people didn't just climb the stairs, they just stood there and called for help, for someone to come and fix the escalator. We too do that in our lives, we stay bolted down to the struggles, but we are free! We are free to carry on. We are free because of the cross, we are not tied to sin, we have no debts, we are forgiven, loved, and richly blessed.
Best points from this weekend:
*Do not worry...Wonder is here
*There are possibilities because of the cross.
*God is working even when I can't see it.
*He uses us everyday
*There is hope in the cross
*DO NOT WORRY--This is my major struggle. I am a worrier. I worry about: house work, work, health, what people think of me, where I will be in 10 years, how my past is hurting my future, what I say, what I do, how I cat, my attitude, my appearance, my family, my friends....the list goes on. I have struggled with worrying ever since my parents broke up when I was in 2nd grade. I remember my mom reading the Do Not Worry scriptures from Matthew. And when I worry about something it makes me physically ill. I believe that God loves me, that he has a plan for me, and I believe that I am more important that a flower and a bird. But I still make myself sick. How can I get passed this? I have been this way for 18 years. I tell God every morning, to day is your day. Do with me and it what you will. And by the end of the day, I have made myself sick about something.
I need a mantra...He is using me and He loves me and He has a plan for me!

Stream

This weekend I have traveled to Irving, TX with my Go Gos and the Katies to be apart of STREAM. We left NAC yesterday afternoon at around 5. The day was hectic for all, but the drive went smoothly. We stopped in Athens to eat dinner....but really to get a shake! So good! Ice cream has to be one one of my favorite things on earth!
We got to MacArthur CofC at 8:30...just in time for one video and a couple of songs. And I will be honest! That is the main reason I came this weekend....the singing. I LOVE singing and praising God through songs truly touch my heart. Hallal and Ken Young led the worship service today. Wow! I know that worship is worship...but I am sorry...there is just something so special and amazing about acappella singing. Something so real and raw about only using your voice to praise God!
Last night we got to the hotel around 10:30. Showered and I went to bed!
This morning we got up, ate in the lobby, and headed to the church. Worship started at 9. Terry Rush is our speaker this weekend...he is really good. Down to earth, honest, and real. He said some things that I know were from God straight to me. . . Do not worry because there are so many possibilities through the cross. God is working even when I can't see it. I needed to hear that. I just pray that I can believe it.
One of my "other" mom's pulled me aside today, grabbed my face with both hands and told me: I love you. I love your heart. You are so beautiful and have such a beautiful heart. You are touching lives everyday. I know you are changing hearts, but I don't think you know that. I know you have missed out on a father's love growing up. I know that you are searching for love. Just know that a man will be so blessed to have such a beautiful woman as his wife, and he is coming."
It blew me away to hear it. All I could do is cry.
The questions that I have been asking myself and God for the past couple of years has been, "Where am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to be doing?" What I learned this weekend is that God is using me, right where I am.

Football & Family

I LOVE THIS TIME OF YEAR!
I put a new air freshener in my car...Pumpkin and Cinnamon! Smells like Autumn. This morning I knew it was going to be a good day when I got in my car! Smelled so good.
I also love this time of year because of course it is football season all over the US, but especially in the Farrell family. I have 3 guy cousins and they are all football coaches. I love that we plan family gatherings around football games. We take rode trips for football and family.
I was talking to some coach friends of mine tonight about Cody, Clayton, and Clinton. Talked about us at games and practices together. SO much fun and such great memories.
I was blessed in the fact that I was able to travel with the team and was able to see them play/coach in college.
I remember:
~giving the twins a gallon of water for 2-a-days and the guys picked on Clinton because they thought it was from Jenna...cause I put hearts and notes on it.
~Clayton practicing his run out 'routine'.
~dancing with Cody in the equipment room.
~washing TONS of football clothes and uniforms
~watching game film with Gary Gaines
~tutoring the guys in English and History
~Clinton & Clayton going up against each other in OL/DL one on ones
~pitching to the punters
~sleeping on the equipment boxes to make sure the stains got of the white jerseys
~turning 8 of the starters white jerseys lavender
~sitting in the hall with Omar on away games
~giving my 4 boyz Gatorade every Friday
~times on the side line:wiping faces, fixing helmets, and shoulder pads
~running to Wal-Mart during the game for more batteries for the headsets
~becoming friends with Danieal Manning
~shaking carpet freshener in the locker room
~bleaching out the showers
~spraying shoulder pads with frebreeze
~preparing for recruiting weekends
~driving the Bronco so the coaches could use my car to go on recruiting trips
~making my class schedule around football practice
~learning how to deep snap with Clinton
~trying to tackle Clayton
~drinking chocolate milk and watching the Friday night highlights with the family
~watching Amanda play volleyball!
~drying footballs under the clothes dryer
~giving embarrassed guys their socks and jocks
The list of memories could go on and on!
Let the road trips begin! I love being able to watch Danieal, Johnny, and Scott on TV...represent Wildcats! I have my ESPN app on my iPhone...keeps me updated and on track!
I love this time of year. It is truly my happy place!!! I love yelling at the TV. I love talking football. I love the game. Now I don't know everything there is to know. But there is just something about this time of year! The crisp air, the changing of the leaves, friends/family, food, and football.
What could be better in life than Football and Family!
To my 3 Coach Farrell's---Good Luck!
Go Wildcats! ! !
Go Jaguars! ! !
Go Bobcats! ! !
and
Go Bears! ! !

Fuzzy

I have some how lost my glasses. Now...they are the lowest prescription and most wouldn't even be able to tell that they do anything for my vision. But trust me...they make a huge difference. I am now wearing my old glasses that were scratched up because I left them in the gym.

But I am telling you, I can tell when I am driving at night that I don't have my glasses because everything is fuzzy, a little blurry, out of focus.
And I started to think. That is a little how my life is right now. My spiritual life. My emotions. My relationships. Everything is just a little blurry these days. Negative thoughts seem to consume me, daily, hourly, every thought! It is torture.
Some how every little thing bothers me; insignificant details, small happenings, passing comments, everything has just been eating at me. Things that don't deserve a second passing thought are eating away at me. Physically hurting me. My thoughts are taken over by negativity. I do not want to live like this! ! !
I don't know how to make them stop. Who would really understand the things that are hurting me...scaring me...tormenting me? Who? Tell me how to make the thoughts stop. I am tired of them hurting me, I am tired of them making me so negative, so full of anger and hate!
This is not who I am.
I can't push the thoughts aside to focus on the many blessings that I have.
I want to find myself again. I want to be happy. But I am so afraid of the pain.
If you see her, tell her I am looking for her!

These Thoughts

THESE THOUGHTS
All of these crazy things
denying people access
casting them out
The hateful thoughts,
The negative,
Untrusting thoughts
Are eating at me
Pushing those I love
hiding me
away
away
away
Wish they would stop
tormenting
haunting
molesting
my heart
through my memories
my new emotions
Leave me be
Be still
I just want real
peace
love
friendship
But these thoughts
contaminate
pollute
distort
everything
passing through my mind
happiness rots
love dies
trust is nonexistent
Make them stop
Please!?
I beg you
Anyone?
make them stop
stop
these thoughts