Tuesday, August 31, 2010
I love the team that I am on...I don't know if I could survive without my teaching and coaching team. I am a lucky one...I have 2 support groups!
But I am starting to see the kids that I will have to keep my eyes on, they are a little sneakier than the group from last year. But I seem to have a reputation on campus. "Don't mess with her"...I can only hope that it is true. I actual heard a kid say the other day, "Coach Farrell scares me!" I was doing the happy dance in my head. You will be glad that it was in my head....trust me, you don't want to see the happy dance.
I will be helping with the Japan students again this year. I will be traveling to the State Fair on October 15th, I have never been...kind of excited, plus I get to miss out on a day of school!
I hope the next 5 6 weeks flies by as fast as this one!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
I am tired now...little drained...but tomorrow is going to be a new day! I am going to keep my head down and get my work done. I have got to change some of my assessments and I am good to go! I can do this. God wouldn't bring me to it if he wasn't planning on getting me through it. I am smart, efficient, and a hard worker. I can do more than just make it through this year...I am going to make it through and be successful at the end of the day. I am going to do my best for my students, team, and God.
Do everything for the glory of God! ! !
I need a mantra....I may steal it from the Little Engine that Could..."I think I can!"
Or Dori, "Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming."
I need to learn to smile more. I guess is this where the wall starts to come down. I need to trust the person that I know I can be, the one hiding.
I know that I can get all of this done...I was just a little overwhelmed hearing it all at once. But I am organized and disciplined enough to get the job done and get it done right.
POSITIVE ATTITUDE! ! ! !
I THINK I CAN!
JUST KEEP SWIMMING!
Monday, August 16, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
What ever God brings you to, he will bring you through!
But I am very thankful for the co-workers that He has brought into my life this past year. They are amazing people with a heart for God and joy for their job. They are fun to be with and a true encouragement. They care for me even when I know I don't deserve it. Thank goodness! I just hope that I can be that same encouragement to them!
Tonight was "Singing Sunday" with the Church of Christs' congregations. It is my favorite Sunday night of the month. I get more out of singing worship than any bible study or sermon. The songs say things that I don't always know how to put into words. Songs can stir my heart and spirit. The words can put my life in perspective when I at times refuse to do so! LOVE SINGING! ! !
Right now the Katie's are cooking Monterey chicken and green beans...I am pumped. We are rockin' the iPod on shuffle...they are making fun of all the randomness on my play lists. Then there is chocolate chip cookies and the movie Bounty Hunter for dessert! What a way to end the week; good friends, good food, and good entertainment. I love cooking nights with the Katie's...we have good conversations and always laugh till our stomachs hurt. You should all find your Katie's to hang with!
Tonight is a great end to my summer! ! !
BRING IT ON!
Friday, August 13, 2010
I hope this year is better than last year, but I don't think that would be too hard. Last year I felt 2 steps behind everyday: paper work, discipline issues, and collecting class materials. Always stressed. I hope that all the work I did last year will help my year go smoother this school year. I know my subject and what I am teaching, so lectures and helping will be easier. I have high expectations for my classroom.
What is crazy, is sometimes I would rather be around the kids instead of the adults. Which many times are one in the same. Working in a middle school is very similar to actually being in a middle school. I am not saying that I am perfect...I have done my trash talking, but I am going to do my best to keep my head down and do my job.
If I am this tired right now, Monday evening is going to be ridiculous.
One of my favorite shows has become BONES. I love the fact that the main character, Tempest Brennen is a beautiful, smart forensic anthropologists and her co-star, Seally Booth, is a handsome FBI agent who is the typical man's man. I love their interactions, she is scientific and factual and he is emotional and goes with his gut. But what I love is how they are so different yet they fit together and learn from one an other's differences. The two are made better for knowing the other. What is crazy to me is, how much they care for each other, their obvious attraction for one another, BUT they never seem to work out. They get so close, but never end up being in a relationship. It is torture to watch! ! ! I find myself watching the show, remembering one such relationship. Almost, but not quite...the story of my life.
I was listening to a song on my iPod the other day, the name slips my mind, but gist of the lyrics are, 'If you are not the one for me, then why does everything about us fit, why does it feel so right?' I gave that song to someone in 2004 because I felt that very same way. I didn't understand why we weren't "together" if everything was so right. The fun, conversations, fighting, shopping, rode trips, dinners...the list could go on. How can two people seem so right for one another and yet, it just doesn't work out.
I felt that way 7 years ago, and I found myself asking the same question last week. Maybe it would be right this time around, maybe he was finally ready for me. I just knew it was going to be different, he had changed, matured. I know I am stronger. I let him charm his way back into my heart and the forefront of my thoughts. It was the same lie he gave then, but now he is more eloquent. He now obviously means what he says. But I found out, once again, that I would always be #2, I would say in his heart, but I am probably not even there. I am no more than a fleeting thought in his selfish mind.
I am just an idiot to believe it all. And I feel like an idiot to admit that any of it ever happened, that I allowed someone to treat me so poorly. Makes me feel weak and very stupid. But I guess it is a part of who I am...unfortunately.
BUT now there can be a change. I can start over anew in my life, without him in it. I will be careful from now on and choose those that I allow in my heart. I will not deny my heart of love and kindness, but I will just guard it a little closer. I can already tell it is going to be difficult to open up to those around me, but I just have to learn to trust again. I believe the man God has for me will be beyond my hopes and dreams.
I will start over and I will have to learn to choose my shows and music more wisely, so not to be reminded of the what could have been.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Man! Where has the time gone? The last few drops of sand are slipping through the hour glass of our summer. They say time flies when you are having fun. So I guess I have had a blast!
But after a few weeks...I began to feel a little useless. I am used to serving in Africa and this summer was actual me time. That doesn't happen very often ...so it was a good thing. I spent my summer working out, laying out, and cooking. I even had my first vacation to FL!
But for the past few weeks I have begun to work up at the school. I painted the girls locker room with the help of the boys coaches ...THANK YOU! It took 3 days about 3-5 hours a day to get it all done, or at least my part done. The guys cut in my work around the ceiling and doors. They also painted the floor while I so graciously put the name plates on the boys lockers...NOT A FUN JOB! ! ! Then Hilary and I cleaned out the P.E. equipment room...WOW! There was dirt dating back to the pre-historic times, not really, but it was dirty, crammed packed full of "equipment". We threw out, cleaned out, and straightened up the first day. Then the next day we unpacked the new equipment and got it all in the room. But it all looks so amazing! ! ! I hope the kids appreciate the hard work and heart that was put in to it all. So many times people don't know all the work coaches put into their programs, but I hope that the students, faculty/staff, and parents see what all has been done on our parts. The coaches have ordered new equipment, new work out gear, new uniforms, painted, cleaned, organized, and gave up many hours of our time to do all of this. And none of the things we do is for ourselves, it is always about the kids!
I have my first week planned out for my class, my classroom set up, and my Texas flower pens made. Flower pens you ask? Last year, I supplied pens for my students to use if they did not have a pen of their own, believing they would return the pen. But...that is not how it happened. 80 pens grew legs and walked out of my class room. So this year, I have hot glued and taped Texas wild flowers to pens. In hopes that my pens will be rooted to my room!
Part of me is ready to get the ball rolling, but the other part of me still wants to sit next to the pool. But it is time for me to once again be an adult. Hmmm...not really ready.
Now...onto my other problems. Some people will say that I have a wall, and I guess I do now. But just a few years ago, I was a sucker. I believed any line that I was given. I thought that I had found real love, real friends, a real life. And none of those things stuck. It was all fake, lies, and temporary pursuits. It all changed me, and not for the better. I have grown bitter and cynical. I am now hurting those who care about me, because of those that hurt me in the past. But it just wasn't a one time incident, it was repeated in several different relationships. Promises broken. Lies told. Hurtful things said over and over again. It wore me down. I believed that was what I deserved. I thought that was how I was supposed to be treated. I didn't see anything better in my future, so I stayed and took it all. I allowed myself to be treated in such away. I did not expect more for myself. And now so many years later, when I thought I was past it all, I have fallen for the lies all over again. I feel so stupid. Did I really waste almost a decade of my life on a lie? Looks like it.
Even now, people around me are baffled when I tell them what a small person I became; timid, submissive, and insignificant. Friends from my childhood couldn't believe I lost my audaciousness, my spirit. And now my friends see me as strong, hard headed, and guarded person. So they too don't believe when I tell them how those few years changed me. I know that I will never go back to that amazing 18 year old that I once was, but I hope that I can find just a piece of her left.
But I have found new friends that see something more in me than this calloused shell that I f eel I have become. I pray that there really is a crack in this exterior. I want them to know that I can love and care for those around me. But I hope they can understand that it is fear that is holding me back. I am so afraid to be hurt again. I thank God for those he has brought in to my path. I could list them all, but I don't want to leave anyone out, but I hope you know who you are because I sure do!
Monday, August 2, 2010
But I feel that my experiences have affected me negatively. I have become calloused and very skeptical of those around me. I am not trying to say that I am the only person on earth that has divorced parents, had my heart broken, and been hurt by people I have cared about. I know that everyone will have their heart broken at some point in life, I don't wish that hurt on anyone, but it will inevitably happen. I am just trying to share how those trials have affected me personally.
But I have never really stopped to look at how the pain and hurt has affected me and my personality. I used to be a fun loving, out going, smiling, happy person that loved to be around people and loved being a social butterfly. But over the years, the rejection, disappointment, and heartaches have taken their toll on me. I never saw the change myself, but those around me have.
At times it seems easier to keep people at a distance, not allowing them to get to close. I don't like letting people in my personal space or my life.
I am afraid to get close to new people because I don't know what is going to happen. What will they do with the personal information they know about me? Who will they tell? What will happen to us? Are they being genuine? Do they really mean that? The doubt and questions could go on and on.
It is sad to say that I have a trust issue. But I do. People could be nice to me, really mean it, and I just don't believe them. I always think there is something behind their compliments or they just don't really mean it. I have been promised a lot of things in my short life by people who said they cared about me and they turned out to be lies. So, if people who are/were supposed to love me could lie to me like that then what would keep someone I just met from doing the same thing?
I never really had to look at myself in such away, I guess because no one has ever said anything to me until the other day. I had someone tell me, "I have seen 2 totally different people in you". I was a little offended, but at the same time, I know that this secluded, frowning person is not really who I am, but for someone else to notice...wow! So...I investigated the situation, I called my best friend and asked her if I was 2 different people. she surprisingly said 'Yes!" Really? She said that she has had to explain to people "She just doesn't like big groups" "She has to warm up to you." Total slap in the face for me.
It makes me feel bad to think that I have been ugly to the people around me. I never meant to hurt those that I come in contact with, I just meant to protect myself from hurt, disappointment, and weakness. I do not want to offend anyone or hurt any one's feelings, but at the same time... I still want to protect myself. I DO NOT want to be hurt like I have been. The good times that could be had just aren't worth the hurt later.
Have I really become an quiet, rude, standoffish, socially awkward person? Really?
Where do I go from here?