Saturday, October 16, 2010

Good Day

Today was a good day. A really good day. Brady Charles Norton was born this afternoon to Adam and Christy (Farrell) Norton. So glad baby Brady is here!
I spent the day with me. The real me. I was quiet. I was calm. I got alot done around the house...laundry, cleaned, and got some groceries for the next 2 weeks.
Mom brought me breakfast and we ordered my glasses...Happy Birthday! You know you are getting old when you get glasses for your birthday and they aren't a gag gift!
Then I came home and cleaned and did laundry with ESPN college football blaring. There is something about football that makes me feel at home. Makes me feel like I am with my family. I know that is a weird way to describe football, but it feels like happy place.
I slept on the couch between loads of laundry and first downs.
Took a shower after lunch sometime. Went to the school in the hopes of finding my dream job online, a job that would take me to the next stage of my life, but of course, there was nothing. After filling out zero applications, I drove myself to Lufkin for a Pumpkin Pie yogurt....frozen yogurt can always brighten my day. As I drove back into NAC, I just drove the loop with my foot out the window and music blaring. Cruising!
I didn't want to stop. I wanted to drive off. Drive to I don't know where, don't care where. I still may do that one weekend...only tell my mom where I am going and take off. Drive til I am tired, find a place for the night and stop. Then get up and look around, and drive back. But could I turn my phone off and go? November may be just the month to take off. Sad that I will even have to plan that, because all of my days are filled with everyone else's schedules, with their plans, their events. I need to take time for me.
Today I was able to sit and not talk, not think, not fight with myself, not worry about what someone else thought of me, not think about what someone else needed. I just got to sit. I think when I am alone, I am myself, but at this point in my life, I am not sure who I am or even if I am living my own life. I at times feel like I am living someone else's life, doing what others want me to do, being where others want me to be, being what others want me to be. I am ready for someone to live my life, to share in my life, to want to be where I am. I always seem to try and be where they are. I don't remember the last time someone called said~"Hey, what are you doing today? Can I tag a long with you? Can I come see you? Can I hang out with you?" It always seems that I am asking others.
I want to stop asking, stop calling, stop talking...but when I do that "What's wrong with you?" is what I get from those around me. It is just expected that I am there. What will happen when I am not? Will they miss me? Will they need me? Would they look for me?
For many, I am afraid the answer would be no.
Today was a good day.
A day to myself.

Friday, October 15, 2010

"I" Person

Our school district had staff development with Rich Allen...I still haven't figured out exactly what he "teaches" because there is something new every time. He has taught us about how our brain works, how to use music in our classrooms, and about personalities. This past Wednesday was about people who were "we" people and those that were "I" people. He described the two types of personalities so that we could recognize these traits in our students.

'We' people--want inclusion---people who want to be around anybody and everybody all of the time.

'I' people--want choice--want to be able to work independently and enjoy times with people, but want the choice of who and what is going to happen.

I am definitely an "I" person, now don't get me wrong, I enjoy spending time with friends and family, but I want to have some control over who is there and I have know what is going on. Control was another trait of an "I" person, they have to be able to have some control of the situation.

At times, I feel very in control of my life and what is happening or at least I am always trying to control what is happening. But I think it is time for a change. It is time that I let it go. Let go and give my life to God. I say I trust him, but I never let go, never give up control of my life. As a Christian we have one way to live and that is for him and in his hands.

But as a control freak or an "I" person, I want the choice- I want to choose what I do with my life, my day, my attitude. I don't like giving that power over to someone else. I don't want someone else dictating my life, my feelings, or my attitude. But at times, I allow some one's actions or feelings dictate my own. And I feel completely out of control.

So how can I ever give everything to Him? Allow him to take control of my life. How do I live free? Because the freedom seems chaotic, out of control. I am a planner, I live by a bell schedule, lesson plans, itineraries, and To-Do Lists. I know that His thoughts are not my thoughts, his ways are not my ways. I know that he has started a plan in me and is going to carry it out, but as an "I" person....I want a say in that plan. As a "planner" I want an itinerary to go with the life he has planned for me.

I feel lost right now. I feel alone right now. I feel confused right now. I feel as though I am chasing my tail.

How does an "I"/"planner" Let go and let God?

Wednesday, October 6, 2010


Man! There are a lot of emotions running in and around me these days. It is like everyone is frustrated, aggravated, or upset about something. I am just in a weird spot right now emotionally. Like I said yesterday, I should be happy and fine with the world, but for some reason, I am tired, depressed and confused about my life.

But it is nice to know that my friends feel the same way...and we all come from different lives and walks of life. I feel their frustrations and understand them because my own mirror theirs, but I don't tell them that. I just keep it all inside so that I don't seem weak. Hiding is just easier. Easy to slip the mask on and slip into the crowd of happy people.

Another thing. I know who I want to be, but for some reason I can't let go and just be. I want to be happy, fun loving, and sweet (which seems like such an immature description/vocabulary). But for some reason, I have a button or trigger that gets pushed and the sweet, quiet me disappears and I am back to being hurt and defensive. I don't know where I am right now or where I am going.

Yesterday, I said that I felt like I was in a maze. It really feels that way. A maze with no prize in the end. How this maze of life makes me feel: lost, tired, sad, alone, but the best word would have to be confused. I want so many things, but there seems to be no way for me to reach them. Not because they aren't plausible, but because my heart/hurt/past won't let me. I don't like the person I have become, I miss the person I was, but I know she is only a memory.

But how do I become the person I want to be? How do I get there? I know no one is happy all of the time, but I would just like to be happy some of the time. I want to know when it will be my turn. I have been richly blessed, I know that for why do I feel like this? Why does this dark cloud follow me?

I may go home and hide today. Hide under a blanket. Hide from everything around me.
I need a weekend away from everything....maybe to the lake again. I will have to ask!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010


It is crazy that 6 weeks has already flown by, but believe me...I am not complaining. It is just that I am already soooo tired and it is just now October. What will April or May feel like? Hew!
I am pretty excited though. Michelle and I have decided to take a trip to CA for Spring Break. We have been saying for 3 years, that we were going to go, but we have never followed through. We are this year...I swear it! And if Chelle doesn't go, I am still going. Kendra...hope you are ready for country coming to town. It gives me something to look forward to. I need that....good things to look forward to, to help get through the everyday BLAH!
This year has been pretty weird for me. I feel as though I have been in an emotional/mental maze. Thinking that I am actually making progress only to run into another wall. I feel very lost right now and it is hard to explain that to those around me. I have friends and people that I can talk to, but I don't think that they would understand. Actually, I know they wouldn't. I guess it is the same thing for me over and over again. I think I have a place or purpose in life, then I get lost, overwhelmed almost.
There are days that I want to run away, to be alone, by myself and just hide from the world and my responsibilities. Not that I really have that many responsibilities...take care of me and my dog & look out for Mom & Susy, and my job. But for some reason I feel very sad at times. It is so strange because I don't really have any reason to feel that way... but I do. It is hard to tell friends that you are having a bad day...just because. I want to be by myself, but when I am alone, it isn't good for me either.
I hate feeling this way. Lost in a sea of unwanted emotions and confusing thoughts. Being tossed and twisted by my own anxieties.
Strange that I can't tell anybody how I am feeling, but I can write it so easily in this blog.
I want to turn my phone off, run away and hide. Maybe I can soon.