Man! There are a lot of emotions running in and around me these days. It is like everyone is frustrated, aggravated, or upset about something. I am just in a weird spot right now emotionally. Like I said yesterday, I should be happy and fine with the world, but for some reason, I am tired, depressed and confused about my life.
But it is nice to know that my friends feel the same way...and we all come from different lives and walks of life. I feel their frustrations and understand them because my own mirror theirs, but I don't tell them that. I just keep it all inside so that I don't seem weak. Hiding is just easier. Easy to slip the mask on and slip into the crowd of happy people.
Another thing. I know who I want to be, but for some reason I can't let go and just be. I want to be happy, fun loving, and sweet (which seems like such an immature description/vocabulary). But for some reason, I have a button or trigger that gets pushed and the sweet, quiet me disappears and I am back to being hurt and defensive. I don't know where I am right now or where I am going.
Yesterday, I said that I felt like I was in a maze. It really feels that way. A maze with no prize in the end. How this maze of life makes me feel: lost, tired, sad, alone, but the best word would have to be confused. I want so many things, but there seems to be no way for me to reach them. Not because they aren't plausible, but because my heart/hurt/past won't let me. I don't like the person I have become, I miss the person I was, but I know she is only a memory.
But how do I become the person I want to be? How do I get there? I know no one is happy all of the time, but I would just like to be happy some of the time. I want to know when it will be my turn. I have been richly blessed, I know that for certain...so why do I feel like this? Why does this dark cloud follow me?
I may go home and hide today. Hide under a blanket. Hide from everything around me.
I need a weekend away from everything....maybe to the lake again. I will have to ask!