Time Flies

Man! Where has the time gone? The last few drops of sand are slipping through the hour glass of our summer. They say time flies when you are having fun. So I guess I have had a blast!
But after a few weeks...I began to feel a little useless. I am used to serving in Africa and this summer was actual me time. That doesn't happen very often ...so it was a good thing. I spent my summer working out, laying out, and cooking. I even had my first vacation to FL!
But for the past few weeks I have begun to work up at the school. I painted the girls locker room with the help of the boys coaches ...THANK YOU! It took 3 days about 3-5 hours a day to get it all done, or at least my part done. The guys cut in my work around the ceiling and doors. They also painted the floor while I so graciously put the name plates on the boys lockers...NOT A FUN JOB! ! ! Then Hilary and I cleaned out the P.E. equipment room...WOW! There was dirt dating back to the pre-historic times, not really, but it was dirty, crammed packed full of "equipment". We threw out, cleaned out, and straightened up the first day. Then the next day we unpacked the new equipment and got it all in the room. But it all looks so amazing! ! ! I hope the kids appreciate the hard work and heart that was put in to it all. So many times people don't know all the work coaches put into their programs, but I hope that the students, faculty/staff, and parents see what all has been done on our parts. The coaches have ordered new equipment, new work out gear, new uniforms, painted, cleaned, organized, and gave up many hours of our time to do all of this. And none of the things we do is for ourselves, it is always about the kids!
I have my first week planned out for my class, my classroom set up, and my Texas flower pens made. Flower pens you ask? Last year, I supplied pens for my students to use if they did not have a pen of their own, believing they would return the pen. But...that is not how it happened. 80 pens grew legs and walked out of my class room. So this year, I have hot glued and taped Texas wild flowers to pens. In hopes that my pens will be rooted to my room!
Part of me is ready to get the ball rolling, but the other part of me still wants to sit next to the pool. But it is time for me to once again be an adult. Hmmm...not really ready.
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Now...onto my other problems. Some people will say that I have a wall, and I guess I do now. But just a few years ago, I was a sucker. I believed any line that I was given. I thought that I had found real love, real friends, a real life. And none of those things stuck. It was all fake, lies, and temporary pursuits. It all changed me, and not for the better. I have grown bitter and cynical. I am now hurting those who care about me, because of those that hurt me in the past. But it just wasn't a one time incident, it was repeated in several different relationships. Promises broken. Lies told. Hurtful things said over and over again. It wore me down. I believed that was what I deserved. I thought that was how I was supposed to be treated. I didn't see anything better in my future, so I stayed and took it all. I allowed myself to be treated in such away. I did not expect more for myself. And now so many years later, when I thought I was past it all, I have fallen for the lies all over again. I feel so stupid. Did I really waste almost a decade of my life on a lie? Looks like it.
Even now, people around me are baffled when I tell them what a small person I became; timid, submissive, and insignificant. Friends from my childhood couldn't believe I lost my audaciousness, my spirit. And now my friends see me as strong, hard headed, and guarded person. So they too don't believe when I tell them how those few years changed me. I know that I will never go back to that amazing 18 year old that I once was, but I hope that I can find just a piece of her left.
But I have found new friends that see something more in me than this calloused shell that I f eel I have become. I pray that there really is a crack in this exterior. I want them to know that I can love and care for those around me. But I hope they can understand that it is fear that is holding me back. I am so afraid to be hurt again. I thank God for those he has brought in to my path. I could list them all, but I don't want to leave anyone out, but I hope you know who you are because I sure do!