Almost But Not Quite

Holy Moly....I don't think that I am ready for this next week. My free adult life is over once again for the next 9 months. I didn't do everything I wanted to do this summer. I didn't work on my story/book, I didn't write new poetry, and I didn't go to Abilene. But I did get a great tan and worked on some water color paintings.
I hope this year is better than last year, but I don't think that would be too hard. Last year I felt 2 steps behind everyday: paper work, discipline issues, and collecting class materials. Always stressed. I hope that all the work I did last year will help my year go smoother this school year. I know my subject and what I am teaching, so lectures and helping will be easier. I have high expectations for my classroom.
What is crazy, is sometimes I would rather be around the kids instead of the adults. Which many times are one in the same. Working in a middle school is very similar to actually being in a middle school. I am not saying that I am perfect...I have done my trash talking, but I am going to do my best to keep my head down and do my job.
If I am this tired right now, Monday evening is going to be ridiculous.
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One of my favorite shows has become BONES. I love the fact that the main character, Tempest Brennen is a beautiful, smart forensic anthropologists and her co-star, Seally Booth, is a handsome FBI agent who is the typical man's man. I love their interactions, she is scientific and factual and he is emotional and goes with his gut. But what I love is how they are so different yet they fit together and learn from one an other's differences. The two are made better for knowing the other. What is crazy to me is, how much they care for each other, their obvious attraction for one another, BUT they never seem to work out. They get so close, but never end up being in a relationship. It is torture to watch! ! ! I find myself watching the show, remembering one such relationship. Almost, but not quite...the story of my life.
I was listening to a song on my iPod the other day, the name slips my mind, but gist of the lyrics are, 'If you are not the one for me, then why does everything about us fit, why does it feel so right?' I gave that song to someone in 2004 because I felt that very same way. I didn't understand why we weren't "together" if everything was so right. The fun, conversations, fighting, shopping, rode trips, dinners...the list could go on. How can two people seem so right for one another and yet, it just doesn't work out.
I felt that way 7 years ago, and I found myself asking the same question last week. Maybe it would be right this time around, maybe he was finally ready for me. I just knew it was going to be different, he had changed, matured. I know I am stronger. I let him charm his way back into my heart and the forefront of my thoughts. It was the same lie he gave then, but now he is more eloquent. He now obviously means what he says. But I found out, once again, that I would always be #2, I would say in his heart, but I am probably not even there. I am no more than a fleeting thought in his selfish mind.
I am just an idiot to believe it all. And I feel like an idiot to admit that any of it ever happened, that I allowed someone to treat me so poorly. Makes me feel weak and very stupid. But I guess it is a part of who I am...unfortunately.
BUT now there can be a change. I can start over anew in my life, without him in it. I will be careful from now on and choose those that I allow in my heart. I will not deny my heart of love and kindness, but I will just guard it a little closer. I can already tell it is going to be difficult to open up to those around me, but I just have to learn to trust again. I believe the man God has for me will be beyond my hopes and dreams.
I will start over and I will have to learn to choose my shows and music more wisely, so not to be reminded of the what could have been.