My Mind

As I try and wind down for the day, I have decided to sit on my balcony and enjoy the night air. The wind today has made me miss my Abilene days. Enya is playing softly in the background as Lawli sniffs out her surroundings. I am trying to breath deeply, trying to clear my mind of all the chaos and stress around me.
I am doing a daily devotional from the Women of Faith series and they are making me think...really dig into my thoughts on life and my relationships. And its not just talking about my relationship with God, but also with my family and with friends. Its hard to look yourself in the ideological mirror, I mean really look at yourself. To examine your soul, your heart, your thoughts. It is not fun and for me somewhat disappointing. I have found I do like some of the things I see: service, compassion, love, friendship. But there are so many weaknesses: language, habits, unwholesome thoughts, weakness, swaying in my faith....that list goes on and on!
I have also found that I lack strength and courage to do what is in my heart. I keep waiting around for someone else to lead, or for some one to tell me what to do. Romans says it best for me... I know I am not supposed to do those things, but yet I do them anyways. Really? If I know they are wrong, then why do I do them? Why do I put myself through the guilt, the hurt, and resentment that sin brings? For an intelligent person, that just doesn't seem very smart.
I am praying for courage to do what He wills and I pray that my heart's desires align accordingly. But, at the same time, I am afraid of what He will give me the courage to do. That courage may mean stepping way out of my comfort zone. That courage may mean nights alone at the house (which I am totally OK with) The courage may mean cutting ties with people and habits I have grown accustom to or so attached to.
Change.
I can feel it in the breeze that swirls around me as I write these words, the breeze is never the same, it is always moving and dancing always searching. I can see change in the misty white clouds floating across the navy blue sky. Nothing ever stays the same.
I pray I have the courage to search as the wind.