Man...I am so torn. Stressed is not the right word, but close. Frustrated is not the word either. Torn is the right feeling. I want the life that God has planned for me, but I also want what I want. I hope the desires of my heart are in line with God's plan.
Part of me wants to get out of Nacogdoches and find a bigger church with a congregation that has more people my age--Young Professionals. I want to move to a bigger area with more museums, jazz bars...more "culture". That has been my prayer, to find a place to fit in.
And now, I have been invited to sing with the Sweet Adaline's, a women's barbershop chorus. My grandmother sang in a Sweet Adaline group when they lived in El Paso. So it is pretty neat to follow in her footsteps. And I have had a friend that asked me to join the Nacogdoches Art League.
Culture...here in Nac? Really? But here it is! Answered prayer? I just don't want to get "stuck" here. But would it really be that bad? Is this God telling me I have a place in Nac? There are benefits staying here:small town feel, family, new friends, new opportunities, and I could buy a house here and it would be an asset to buy a house here in a college town.
I am also having trouble putting my feelings in order, trying to balance the old and the new. I am want to grow, to be more than I ever have been. But at times, holding onto the past seems to be holding me down. It makes me negative, sad, stressed-- I am tired of being a grouchy person. I want to be happy and fun loving. I just wish that my friends would see it as growth and not neglect. I wish they would want me to be happy.
I will keep praying that my heart's desires will align with God's. He has got to show me the way, cause I am struggling.
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